How Do I Know It's Real?
Since childhood I have had experiences I can only describe as precognitive and clairvoyant. This intensified with the onset of puberty, and seem to carry down through my mother’s mothers’ line, via Norway where that side of the family is from. I refer to myself as a spae, since my services have been asked for by others and seem to be accurate and helpful. That said, I spent the better part of my 20s wanting to make it go away and be “normal”, trying to learn how to manage my abilities so I control them and not vice versa, and yet the precogs saved my life and that of others on multiple occasions, came in helpful on more occasions than that, and a number of wyrd events happened in my life that cannot neatly be explained by coincidence. I was able to will certain things to happen, as well, and this was made stronger as I studied magical techniques.
In 2002 I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder. When we normally think of mental illness we think of things like hallucinations and mood swings. PTSD does come with flashbacks and a tendency towards depression and anxiety but is not necessarily being “out of touch with reality”. Indeed, one result of the PTSD is hypervigilance and being more aware than usual of the details of my surroundings. The PTSD, too, has come in handy with saving others’ lives due to noticing things others usually don’t.
All that told, it is not great to have PTSD. It is a condition that is not curable, and sometimes when treatment is sought a doctor may overmedicate and/or prescribe inappropriate medication for the symptoms, which can hinder processing the traumas cognitively and emotionally and moving forward. At the very least treatment for PTSD requires being kind to oneself, most notably through lifestyle changes to reduce triggers and be in a safe place. It is not a death sentence and you can have some recovery, but it will always involve being mindful of personal safety and steps needed to ensure that as much as it can be ensured.
Besides the PTSD I also have epilepsy, although seizure conditions are not the same thing as mood or thought disorders, necessarily. There is some evidence that a lot of people who purport mystical experiences have epileptic conditions. I think rather than dismissing any mysticism as just being an epilepsy hiccup, there is something to be said about the supernatural being very natural, and needing something like a seizure to get "transmissions". It's not great to be epileptic, either, but it's also not a death sentence.
I have never made it a secret of having these conditions, for two basic reasons.
1. Those who seek to discredit me or others like me will bring up the mental health/neurology issues. That is a given. I would prefer people get their facts straight about what is going on if they are going to argue from that angle.
2. My life was much more “run” by my disabilities several years ago. I have spent the past few years putting my life back together and many are amazed by how far I’ve come; so it could be said that my condition has improved overall. I attribute this largely to a healthy sense of spirituality, living by Heathen values and connection with Gods, wights, ancestors and a real-time community for a more wholistic sense of being.
The seership and willing things to be was in place long before my PTSD diagnosis. I do not necessarily think one has anything to do with the other. But it does bring up an interesting point about mysticism and mental health.
There are many mental health professionals, particularly in the United States, who will diagnose anyone of an “alternative spirituality” with schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. I have seen it many times over. There are indeed many people with serious mental illness who hyperfocus on religious practices, especially if it is attached to a routine (e.g. repetitive prayers at a specific time of day). A disproportionately high number of mystics have epilepsy. I do not find that a seizure condition negates the visionary experience, no more than life evolving on Earth disproves the existence of some Intelligent Force (not YHWH) behind it. Indeed, I think the supernatural is very natural. Just as Intelligent Force may have produced life on Earth via evolution, the Gods may disrupt the brain waves to get through. The sensitivity that allows one to see and perceive other dimensions and pathways is the same sensitivity that can give a tendency towards depression and anxiety if not kept in check, no doubt about it.
That being said, my spirituality has been of growth and change, in positive ways, and one of the things that I find glaring with psychiatry is that we live in a post-religious, secular society. Issues that were normally addressed by priests or shamans are now being pathologized by psychiatry and given medications and therapies that sometimes work and sometimes do not work.
In my own personal case, rather than random hallucinations, most of what I could call “woo” would be the precogs and clairvoyant experiences, and willing things to happen. This has been going on since childhood and I believe it is independent of religion. I have chosen to hone these abilities through studying the practices of spae, seiðr, utiseta, gealdor, and folk magic. With regards to connection with the Gods, wights, and ancestors, most of that is non-verbal and comes as flashes of insight or intuitive gut feelings, e.g. that Freya likes strawberries, and the proof has been in offerings well-received or rituals with good omens taken. Etc.
It should also be noted that the majority of my experiences with the Gods *speaking* directly to me has happened in dreams (not so much in waking-day space), and it has only been a few times but for something major. Every single occurrence where They have foretold something in a dream state has come true. Case in point: in March 2001 I had a dream of Odin telling me it was His will for me to move to another land, and when I asked “Where?”, He said, “Southwest” and showed cactus. I was confused, as I had been a lifelong New England resident and it never occurred to me to live anywhere else. During Yule 2005, it was again told me by Frey and Freya that “in a year’s time” I would be living in another part of the country with my life-partner. This struck me as odd as I’d no idea how I’d even leave the state, let alone move cross-country, but by Yule 2006 I was, sure enough, living in California with my life-partner, and my life has gotten a whole lot better since then.
At some point in the life of every person who is a seer or a mystic, the question will come up of whether they are having legitimate experiences or are just mentally ill. As I’ve stated above, I tend to think mental illness is overdiagnosed and overstigmatized. There are plenty of people who think just praying to a God is pretty queer stuff. To quote the singer Seal, “We’re never gonna survive, unless we get a little crazy.” Truer words have never been spoken. Anyone who questions business as usual in our modern post-religious vapid consumerist society is looked at as insane. But there is a difference between misconceptions of mental health and when mental health issues are truly present.
Having lived with actual schizophrenics, there is something different between what I experience, and schizophrenia. Schizophrenia symptoms are, in general, random bursts of noise rather than a steady conversation. These voices do not usually tell them anything that makes sense, let alone something that would be precognitive or conducive to self-esteem and personal growth. If there is coherence, it is almost always critical, negative voices, often commanding harmful activities.
Ultimately if your “woo” is contributing towards healthy personal growth and a life that is continually getting better – even if you have an initial catalyst period, such as I had, where things need to fall apart to be rebuilt in the way they should be – then that is mainly what counts. The problem is I have seen more self-proclaimed “spirit-workers”, “shamans”, mystics, and seiðfolk than I can count who are living in chaos (not the fun kind) and misery and believe it is the Gods’ fault. Religion should not be an opiate, but neither are we flagellants.
So the most important questions that a mystic running self checks should ask is, How is this impacting me? Am I doing better or worse? Be brutally honest and factor in everything to physical health, employment and income, relationships with significant other/s, friends and family, and the direction of your life. Before you can ever rightly tell other people to take your personal gnosis or your spiritual help seriously, you should have your own shit together first.
Sharing personal gnosis and magical experiments can be validating and helpful as a system of checks and balances. I do talk about some of my UPG as a way of “paying it forward” to those who may be questioning their sanity v. mysticism. However I also believe it can be useful to inspire others, and help enrich their own spiritual practices. I find the rampant anti-spiritual attitudes among some Heathens to be part of the cancer that is killing Heathenry. As I’ve said, faith cannot be confined to a textbook. It must be lived. So I hope that by sharing some of my own journey, it can inspire others to take those roads less-traveled and find some cool scenery, besides helping people determine if their UPG is shared by others or is theirs alone.
But, at the end of the day nobody can walk your Wyrd but you, and only you truly know deep down if you’re legitimate or not. If you have validation within yourself, you don’t truly need anyone else’s. Indeed, trusting others more than yourself can lead you into the web of frauds and egomaniacs who would be more than happy to prey upon you, and plenty of those types do specifically look to “recruit” mystics for their own agenda, speaking from past experience.
© 2009 Svartesól.
Essay reproduced with the kind permission of Svartesol.
